Bedroom Mayonnaise

Bedroom Mayonnaise

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Headboards are the mayonnaise of the bedroom.

Yes, you read that right.

Headboards are the mayonnaise of the bedroom. No, no, you read that right. The need of these two things that are really just wants and in no way affect the structural integrity (both metaphorical and literal) of the composition yet somehow we feel incomplete without, is what mayonnaise is to a chicken club, and what a headboard is to a bedroom. 

That was a lot, and if you now need to excuse yourself to quickly assemble a chicken club, that’s cool but if you’re in it for the long haul let us clean up that analogy a little bit. You don’t need a headboard. Your bed is fine on rails, on MALM’s finest, or even on the floor. Having a headboard will do nothing for your bed except provide a focal point of the space and dictate a style aesthetic for you to then sing to by way of other decor.

Having a headboard will do nothing for your bed except provide a focal point of the space and dictate a style aesthetic for you to then sing to by way of other decor.

Sunday Stroll

Real talk though, adding a headboard to your sleep or play game does bring with it benefits that slightly outweigh a sandwich spread.

At risk of distatefully mentioning filth right after food, a headboard acts as a barrier preventing your not-as-clean-as-you-think bod from your "I'm an adult and actually paid someone to paint my walls" wallcolour. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much effort we put toward hygiene, our bodies (hair specifically) is continuously producing oil. Oil gets on your pillow throughout your hours of slumber and without a headboard to protect it, those oils are mashing themselves right up against that GD Behr Ultra Premium Platnium paint that you let a 17 year old upsell you on following a particularly rough Friday night. Money has no value when your hungover, am I right?

Either way, oil on your wall is the same as oil on your shirt. Once it's on, its fully committed.


Next we have the bend and snap. And while it might sound like a smooth move to score company in your bed, it's actually the exact opposite. If getting out of bed is a challenge, stop reading now because you're set. Without a headboard, you'll be out of bed before you know it.

If you enjoy sitting up in bed reading, scrolling or you're just a total psychopath who dedicates Sunday's to sleep and a syrupy breakfast, you need a headboard. Whether it's just a pillow propped against shiplap nailed to the wall, or a fully secured one screwed into your bedframe, having a headboard between your back and your wall will eliminate that 1" gap that quickly becomes 2, then 6 until resistence snaps and your pillow is on the ground, your food is on your chest and your bed is halfway across the room. It's true what they say, the bend & snap works everytime.


Last but not least, there is the glam factor. While one could make the argument "it's not the bed, it's the person inside it", or some other variation of obliterating superficial stigmas, it very much is the bed.

This is your final destination everyday. This is what you fantasize about through hours of spreadsheet edits and through zoom calls that could have just been one line e-mails. Drake has literally told the world repeatedly that he only loves his bed (and his momma) so do not undermine the power of peace that cozy rectangle provides for you.

You deserve to be your best and if Apple News has tought us anything (besides the fact that we are all dark souled individuals who perk up at a midday Top Stories notification) it's that sleep matters! You won't be your best if you don't sleep your best and you sure as heck wont sleep your best if waltzing into your room each night is immediately followed by an exhale only Toronto hockey fans know. Thats the "how are we good in so many ways but somehow still terrible?" paradigm if you're unsure.

Bottom line is you want to saunter to your slumber arriving with only a smile and the peace of mind in knowing you're an adult, with a real adult bed, who has put thoughtful consideration into making their safe haven a perfectly decorated and relaxed resting place. Most of the time.

Sunday School

Sunday School provides a light dose of clever insight toward the what's and how's of vintage decor & the fun that surrounds it
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